Mint Imperial FC

IMPERIAL GOLD MEDALLISTS PLAY OLYMPMINT GAMES WITH PREQIN

MINT IMPERIAL 3-1 Locomotiv Preqin

There have been occasions in modern and ancient history when sport has transcended social norms and become so dramatic, so meaningful and so emotional that it takes on a level of importance more akin to more heavyweight pursuits such as love, war or agile web development. This occurred at the Oval last night. Today on the first day of the Beijing Olympics, all of China will turn its head toward the following roll call of achievement against which all feats over the next 4 weeks shall be measured:

1. when Hercules gave up playing piano and decided to start athletic competition in 776 BC;
   
2. when Babe Ruth hit a home run out of Yankee Stadium in 1920;
3. when Jesse Owens broke 6 world records in the space of 45 minutes in 1935;
4. when jim Laker took 10 for 53 against Australia in 1956;
5. when Gareth Edwards scored ‘that try’ against New Zealand in 1973;
6. When Swansea City achieved back to back promotions and topped the English first division for 3 weeks in 1981;
7. when Michael Jordan won the Championship for the Chicago Bulls with one shot;
8. when Grame Obree broke the cycling world record on a bike he had made himself in 1993;
9. When Joe Calzaghe took Bernard Hopkins ‘back to school’ in 2008;
10. When Mint Digital beat Locomotiv Preqin 3-1 at the Top Corner Thursday night Mens league, Oval in August 2008.

The Back Story

All stories of epic proportion have a back story and the tale of last nights victory was no different. The Imperial had a decimated squad: Bell was on holiday, player/manager Lee had to pick up his father-in-law from the airport (a task that Sohachevsky confessed over lunch he would have pretended he was playing football even if he wasn’t to get out of if it had been him required to do this on a Thursday night), Saleh was unavailable, Paul the PE teacher was holed-up in a spa again (this time in Harrogate), Morgan was visibly injured after the flare up of his old knee cartliage injury that he sustained running the New York marathon back in 2004 (a feat that only narrowly missed the top 10 roll call above) and the veteran Andy Rose declared himself out.

Most teams would have called off the fixture due to the depleted squad and lack of manager. The Mint Imperial are not most teams. And Tim Morgan is not most Assistant Managers.

Fearless Morgan took charge. After failing to find the pitch last week, Doug “Douggie Boy” Phillips was sent a map. Inoue and Vazquez declared themselves available. Colin “GK” Roughan and Robert “Ringo Bingo” McLearon answered the call. The ever dependable Morgan, Sohachevsky and Nash made up the rest of the squad and when Rose dramatically called the Mint office at 4pm reversing his decision not to play, the Imperial suddenly looked like they were in business with a makeshift squad that included THREE goalkeepers.

The Match 

The Mints had the best of starts when with only 2 minutes played, Roughan playing in goal, rolled the ball out to Sohachevsky who danced around one opponent before sliding the ball to Phillips in space on the left flank of the field. Phillips spotted Inoue unmarked on the edge of the penalty box, he drew the last defender and calmly slid the ball to Inoue who (without breaking stride) smoothly side footed past the advancing keeper and into the back of the net. It was a sublime move and finish and if Preqin didnt think they were up against talented opposition at the start of the match, they were getting the message loud and clear now.

For the rest of the first half the Mints controlled the game entirely, Morgan had a goal disallowed however video replays showed it should have been allowed as he was pushed into the box by an opposition defender AFTER he had twinkle toed it past one defender and neatly fired home. The other pattern that was clearly forming was that in Roughan, the Imperial had a goalkeeper who was quite frankly unbeatable. Try as Preqin might, they were unable to penetrate the Imperial goal after Roughan produced save after save of the very highest order.

The second half began much as the first had ended, Mint controlling the game, Vazquez and Nash harrying and jockeying terrier like all over the pitch, Morgan, Sohachevsky and Phillips roaming the centre of the park like lions patrolling the savannah with deadly intent, Rose and Inoue majestic and calm like giraffes chewing on tall tree leaves, but not just regular girraffes, male ones who are in charge of the whole herd and who will have lots of mates over their lifetime. And finally Roughan in goal who just kept getting better and better. It seemed like Preqin could have fired a rocket propelled grenade at the Imperial goal and Roughan would have leapt and snatched it out of the air with an air of disdain.

Then a moment in football, that fans will talk about for decades to come. a bit like when the referee at the 1982 World Cup finals reversed the sending off of an Oman player because the King of Oman gestured from the stands that it wasnt acceptable, or when Swansea City Jamaican international Walter Boyd was sent off after 0 seconds for punching an opposition player before the game he was playing had restarted. A preqin player broke free down the right, he rifled an angled shot in that finally got the better of Roughan and sped toward goal. However it then hit the post and rebounded back to the player who had fired it. Inexplicably the referee gave a goal even though the ball had clearly not gone in. The whole Imperial team surrounded the ref, Rose was especially incensed and had a vein clearly bulging in his neck as he remonstrated with the referee shouting “it cant have been a goal, they are not even celebrating - look at them” (he then pointed at the Preqin players who werent celebrating at that point but like volunteers in a stage hypnotist show starting celebrating when Rose pointed at them and said they werent celebrating”).

The Mints found themselves at 1-1. Rather than be dispirited though the Imperial responded the only way they know how, barracking the Preqin goal and having yet another goal disallowed in the process. Meanwhile at the other end Roughan continued to defy the odds flinging his body about determined to ensure that if the ref was including shots that hit the post as goals then there would be no more shots that hit the post. Roughan was so good he neutralised the requirement for refereeing by eliminating the slightest opportunity for judgement calls.

Then just as it looked like lady luck (not the referees real name) had dealt the Imperial a cruel hand, Sohachevsky stepped up and his looping shot found the back of the Preqin net having beaten the goalie all ends up. 2-1 to the Imperial.

It was at this point that the match took true historic proportions. With Preqin relentlessly attacking and even the ever dependable Roughan beginning to look like he might buckle under the pressure, the Imperial needed a cushion, they needed clear daylight between them and Preqin, they need a match winner, they needed a hero and like Gotham has Batman, Mint Imperial has Tim Morgan.

Cometh the Hour, cometh the man they say and enter stage right Morgan who gathered the ball on the halfway line, neatly sidestepped a defender but still it looked like nothing was on, surely his injured right knee was tiring, surely at this late stage in such an innocuous position, this move was going to be stifled?

But no, Morgan looked up, cocked the hammer and unleashed a howitzer of a shot with the injured right leg that flew in to the top left hand corner of the net leaving the Preqin keeper with no chance 3-1 to Imperial.

The ball whistled as Morgan connected with the sweet spot and had it not been for the net, it would probably still be on that same sweet trajectory right now 14 hours after the match. I would estimate that Morgan’s hammer was moving at about 120mph which means that it would probably be on the outskirts of Oslo by now hardly losing speed at all as thousands of Norwegian school children wake up and see ‘Morgans comet’ on the way to school and have the Norwegian adults explain that its not a cosmic explosion, instead the stellar shooting show was manufactured in the South Wales valleys and although heavenly, is a perfectly natural occurence and that soon the ball would be visiting school children in Finland before finally coming to rest somewhere in the Artctic circle where the different temperature and air thickness would be the only things on this planet (or any other) that could have stopped the ball. In centuries to come, after the effects of global warming, the only remanant that there was ever an Arctic circle would be in the form of that football that Morgan planted there from Oval in August 2008.

And then the final whistle with wild celebrations that went well into the night at the Royal Oak. A wonderful night for the Imperial, a wonderful night for football, a wonderful night for all aspiring sportsstars out there…you can do it, the Imperial have shown that if you believe, you can do it….

Player Ratings

1. Roughan - simply unbeatable (even their ‘goal’ didnt beat him) - 10
2. McLearon - Imperial’s 2nd choice keeper didnt actually play at all but stayed all night in the Royal Oak and called his wife to boast about the victory that he had played no part in which earns him an - 8
3. Morgan - from now on his right leg will simply be known as ‘the wand’ - 9
4. Sohachevsky - scored a very important goal, almost as important as the one scored by ‘the wand’ - 9
5. Inoue - Beautiful finish for the first goal which was great, a bit like the one scored by ‘the wand’ - 9
6. Nash - worked tirelessly despite normally playing in goal. A hero - 9
7. Vazquez - Everywhere and tough as steel - 9
8. Phillips - skillful and very amusing stories in the Royal Oak - 9
9. Rose - called an ‘old man’ for the first time in his life by an aggro opposition player. Majestic in the twilight of his career at 32 - 9

To sum up the Mints last night, I will use the words of  ’the Greatest’, Muhamed Ali “Champions aren’t made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision”.

So little to Com-Mint on. Six Panther 3-0 Mint Imperial

Its pretty hard writing about the Imperial’s match last Thursday since not much happened really. 

Some fans were expecting more points in the bag after our last emphatic victory, but a combination of the league being suspended for the past 3 weeks due to a break out of urinatio maximus (a rare condition where footballers feel the need to pee up against the side of people’s houses) and the fact that the last time we played the Panther they inflicted our record ever defeat on us (9-1) meant that this was always like pushing polo mints uphill for the Imperial.

Other factors also worked against the mighty imperial. For example they played the first 5 minutes of the game with only 6 players because Morgan was delayed boozing it up with Pomfret and some people from the BBC after a feedback session. Thats not to blame the BBC though since Paul the PE Teacher didnt turn up til the second half citing that he had been ‘stuck in a spa’. ‘In a spa’? not ‘on a train’ or ‘in a meeting’ but rather he was ‘stuck in a spa’. He was having so much massage and steam treatment amongst the yummy mummys of North london that he ‘got stuck’. Maybe next week he will be ‘stuck in a lap-dancing bar’ or ‘trapped in a casino’ or even ‘locked up in an ice-cream parlour’. That said, even Paul fared better than Mint’s latest recruit Douggie ‘Boy’ Phillips who didnt play any of the match because he couldnt find the pitch. The other notable change was that due to player shortages Phil ‘Carlo’ Nash had to play on pitch with an Irishman playing in goal for the mints instead who was found loitering alongside the pitch prior to kick off.

The Mints played well enough and competed in all areas of the pitch but still found themselves 2-0 at half time. In the second half the imperial had a rare chance to pull themselves back into the game when they were awarded a penalty. morgan looked Sohchevsky in the eye and made a gesture as if to say ‘I’m having this’. Remembering his recent missed penalty, Sohachevsky put up no resistance only for Morgan to hit the post with this effort.

The chance missed, Panther added a nice third shortly afterwards, the ball cannoning in off the underside of the crossbar leaving Pat Jennings’s son helpless in the Imperial goal.

The game ended with whimper and the Mints didnt even make it to the Royal Oak. Lots of reason to be cheerful though since we competed in all areas of the pitch and had we been a little more clinical and with Andy Rose and Doug Phillips due next week, the signs are there that the Imperial will pick up more points before this season is out.

IMPERIAL LEATHER MIDNIGHT RUNNERS TO GRAB MINTY FRESH START

Sideye’s Midnight Runner 0 
Mint Imperial FC 3

Mint Imperial stunned football after claiming their first ever victory in devastating fashion.

Having previously looked like a team destined to be remembered by future generations for all the wrong reasons, Mint hauled themselves off the foot of the table with a stunning second-half performance.

Goals after the break from Paul the PE teacher, Tim Morgan and Andy Bell put the seal on a well deserved victory that at times made a mockery of Mint’s lowly league position.

The Mints were solid in defence - anchored by another fine goalkeeping display from Phil ‘the cat’ Nash – creative in midfield and assassin-like up front.

A deadlocked first half gave few clues to he momentous events that were to unfold after the break.

New signing Paul the PE teacher marked his second game with a delightful goal from an acute and seemingly hopeless angle.

Morgan added a well-deserved second from the opposite flank with a left foot toe punt that almost defied belief.

But Bell saved the best for last. After stealing the ball inside his own half, he charged up-field, exchanging quick-fire passes with the alert Makoto Inoue along the way, before finding the back of the net with a glorious finish to spark wild celebrations on the touchline.

Bookmakers have now slashed the odds on Mint winning two games in a row to 4-1.

Ratings (out of 10): Nash 8, Morgan 8, Bell 8, Rose 7, Sohachevsky 7, Inoue 7, Vazquez-Paluch 7, Pete the PE teacher 8,

Pint rating (out of five): 4
ENDS

Mints yet to break through the Menthol barrier

MINT IMPERIAL 1 
WTG ATHLETIC 3
by Andy Rose

NOAM Sohachevsky insists it is now just a matter of time before Mint Imperial claim their first win of the season.

Mint crashed to a fourth straight defeat of the season against WTG Athletic on Thursday.

But playmaker Sohachevsky reckons the first shoots of recovery were there and Jeremy Lee’s under-performing side are about to turn a psychological corner.

“That was probably our best performance of what up until now has been a tough season,” said Sohachevsky over a pint of IPA in the Royal Oak.

“We kept our shape much better, created plenty of good goalscoring opportunities and I really believe if we can build on this display we could win a game before the end of the season.

Mint ditched their usual polo formation - nothing in the middle - to provide a far tougher test than Athletic were expecting.

Two first half strikes found their way past the otherwise impressive Phil ‘Carlo’ Nash before top scorer Sohachevsky collected his fifth goal in four games midway through the second to give his side hope.

A late Athletic goal hammered the final nail into Mint’s coffin leaving Sohachevsky to rue his early penalty miss which would have given Mint a precious lead.

Sohachevsky snatched the ball away from shocked team-mate Tim Morgan then promptly planted his shot wide with the keeper sprawled helplessly on the wrong side of his goal.

“Tim looked confident but I was nearest the spot so I was having it,” said an unrepentant Sohachevsky.

“I couldn’t believe it when I completely missed.”

Morgan added: “I’m having the next one, that was rubbish.”

Ratings (out of 10): Nash 6, Morgan 5, Bell 5, Rose 5, Saleh 5, Sohachevsky 7, J Lee 5, D Lee 6,
ENDS

Mint Imperial 1-9 Six Panther

ARE THE IMPERIAL THE WORST TEAM ENGLAND HAS EVER KNOWN?

Last night the Mints were rubbish as they got a 9-1 whipping. Rather than a match report, we’re going straight to a player rating to find out what went wrong:

1. Bingo (GK)- on last night’s performance, we all hope our Goalie gets his new bride to practise shooting at him on his honeymoon next week. One of the goals went in off his head as he lay stranded on the turf but redeemed himself with 4 pints and some cracking anecdotes in the Royal Oak after the game;

2. Bell - Ran around a lot and had an inspired 5 minutes towards the end- a bit like he is at work;

3. Lee - as he left the Royal Oak after only two pints, he said to Price “I am the weakest link, i was shocking tonight”. One of the most self-aware in the team;

4. Sohachevsky - for all his talk about community, and participation at work, he only thinks of one person on pitch (it starts with So and ends with hachevsky). Easily Mint’s best player and scored our only goal but not so good that we can rely upon him to win games like Argentina relied on Diego Maradona in 86 - look up Noam! those guys in the same shirts as you are your friends!

5. Morgan - for all his talk, this wheezing overweight Welshman did not deliver. His tactics were poor his work rate was low and he looked like he wanted to be somewhere else. That said he did deliver after the game with a 6 pint performance across three venues one of which was a Brazilian bar in Earlsfield - lets hope he learnt something in there about football whilst sitting outside drinking Sagres and talking about agile rails development with Price;

6. Saleh - quiet in the first half but came into his own in the second when for a period of 5 minutes he won every tackle and Six Panther players were being knocked over like skittles. This level of raw animal aggression is rare amongst the Imperial and might see us win more matches in future (although possibly at the expense of the “Gentlemen of the League” tag that we have earned;

7. Inoue - consistent in the game and especially good in the second half when playing at the back (maybe a starting berth in defence next week). Lost the friendship of his team-mates after the match when he suggested we immediately train after games and that we train harder the bigger the margin we lose by. The way we are leaking goals these could be seriously long training sessions;

8. Nash - solid first game, his physical presence helping the light-weight Mints. Starting place next week;

9. Price - the Americans arrived too late this time but ever-dependable in the Royal Oak polishing off a succession of pints despite having been up since 4:30am. Befriended the opposition with Morgan in the Royal Oak after the game and sadly found out that they were a team of Asset Managers. We lost to a team of Asset Managers. Why couldnt they have been pro wrestlers, or even construction workers … Asset Managers…..

Lokomotiv Preqin 7 - Mint Imperial 4

Mint got off to flyer against Lokomotiv Preqin. Goals from Mogan and Sohachevsky saw them go 2-0 up after 10 minutes. There were chants from the stands - “It’s just like watching Brazil” - they shouted.

Then it all went wrong. A combination of poor fitness and sloppy defending saw Mint leak 4 goals in 10 minutes. The dream started to crumble. Going in at half-time 4-2 down.

The second half offered new hope. But more slack defending gifted Lokomotiv Preqin with 3 quick goals. Defeat was imminent. 2 goals from Sohachevsky in the last 5 minutes helped to make the score look more respectable.

Debuts were handed to Paul Carke, Daniel Vazquez-Paluch and Bing. Well played lads.

Mint play Six Panther next, who lie 3rd in the Vauxhall 6-a-side Summer 08 league.